My Story

This page comes nearly one year after struggling with an obsessive outlook on food and health, and developing an eating disorder. One year ago I was obsessed with trying to be as skinny as I could, and as a result, I actually grew to be my largest weight in that time period. I found myself in a terrible endless cycle of restricting and binge-ing. I would start every morning by stepping on the scale and beating myself up mentally over the number I saw. I would then convince myself that 1.) I needed to lose weight and 2.) I needed to lose it overnight. I would spend hours online googling “how to lose 10 pounds in 3 days”, “5 day water fast”, “how many calories a day to lose 10 pounds fast”, ect. and I eventually came to the conclusion that I would put myself on a 500 calorie a day diet. This was my biggest mistake at an attempt for weight loss.  Trying to manage staying under 500 calories would leave me starving by the end of the night. And then came the bingeing. I would be so hungry that I would eat literally anything I could find/make in my cupboards. Then, knowing I broke that 500 cal limit I had set for myself

(even if it was only by 200 extra calories) , I would just let myself go crazy and eat as much as I could because I had the mentally that I had already failed. I would eat oatmeal, then pasta, then ice cream, then a bowl of cereal, then another bowl, then finish the whole box (no I’m not exaggerating), I would eat until I physically could not eat anymore, to the point where I felt sick. Then I would tell myself how disgusting I was, how much I hated myself and my body, mentally destroy my self-esteem, but promise myself I would start over tomorrow and STICK to the 500 calorie diet. This cycle continued for months and the endless bingeing resulted in an obvious weight gain. I was miserable and felt genuinely hopeless, both physically and mentally. I wanted to give up on myself and throw away any self care for my body. But the biggest struggle I faced during this time period was my mental health. I hated myself. I was so mad that I couldn’t lose weight that I never allowed myself to be happy. The only thoughts I had were focused around food, wanting to be skinny, and reminding myself that I had no self-control and was worthless because of it. My confidence was completely shot, and it began to show in other ways. I developed severe acne, which I now believe was caused by the amount of mental stress I was forcing on myself and the constant negative thoughts on how “ugly” I was. But at the time, I told myself it was a cause of all the food I was eating and the amount of sugar I had, thus blaming myself even more and stressing out even harder on what I should and shouldn’t eat. I thought that I would be stuck like this forever, I would cry at night scared that I would never truly be happy with myself ever again. Things got worse, but eventually they got better, a lot better, and one year later I’m living the healthiest life I ever have, and more body positive and confident than I’ve felt in years.

In the winter of 2018,  Christmas eve morning to be exact, I woke up in bed around 3 am with a sharp stabbing pain in my stomach, still half asleep and out-of-it, I walked to the bathroom thinking I just needed to pee. After going to the bathroom the pain became so harsh I fell to the ground and felt like I couldn’t breathe. I called for my mom and we ended up in the Emergency Room. After a few hours of blood work, tests, scans, and even an ultrasound, the doctors discovered there was a tear in one of my digestive organs, and that it was most likely caused from an excessive amount of dairy (aka endless amounts of ice cream, pizza, mozzarella sticks, on the daily), and as a result I would need to cut dairy out of my diet to ensure the tear from becoming any worse. It was that morning that I realized the way I was treating my body was actually causing damage, that could become severe. I decided that this was the last straw, that I would not only follow a dairy-free diet, but that I would dedicate more time to a healthy lifestyle. This meant caring for my body, not looking for a quick fix for weight loss. 3 months later, I have lost a significant amount of weight, but more importantly I no longer weigh myself 3 times a day, or stress and obsess over a number on the scale – even on days where it does go up. I’ve learned to enjoy foods and not restrict myself nutrients, and most importantly not binge every time I eat something “unhealthy”. I want to use this blog to post yummy recipes, exercise and weight loss tips, and share my lifestyle with anyone who needs a little health help.